Top Ten

George Carland Fan

2008-04-17T10:52:00.001-07:00

Presenting the top ten reasons why I should be your new roommate:

#10 So you have a Jew in the apt than you can call Jerry Seinfeld
#9 Because I am who I say I am, (although I did lie about my height 1/2 inch on my drivers license)
#8 So if the world comes to an end you won't have to eat each other
#7 Because who doesn't love drunken prophesies
#6 Because I'm not anyones in-law
#5 Because I was a George Carland fan was he was on Thomas the Tank's Shining Time Station
#4 Because I work in the theatre and know contacts that could be valuable to you both
#3 Because I won a "Singled Out" game show at college by singing "I can show you the world" from Aladin to 100 girls.
#2 Because I'm on YouTube in a cheerleaders outfit dancing (lost a bet)
#1 Because I can be Rusty and then Audrey and I (drunkenly?) can re-enact your favorite "National Lampoons Vacation" scene

That was fun, thanks for the challenge...

Follow-Up

2008-04-15T10:31:00.001-07:00

Ya'know....

It is a bit lame to not even send a form letter kindly rejecting people who responded to your ad. Especially when the ad demanded extra effort.... I suppose the clue to your lameness was that you solicited humor without being at all funny yourself.

Lays

2008-04-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

10. I studied at [redacted] and specialized in pastries
9. I have webbed toes and fingers and could rescue both of you if you were drowning a lot quicker than a normal human
8. I played hockey in college and would be able to defend our place when we are attacked by aliens
7. All my teeth are real (please see above)
6. I want to write a book called What Would Jesus Eat: The Jesus Diet
5. On the vernal equinox, I moon walk
4. On every full moon, I can breath fire for one minute
3. I whittle wood in my spare time into little figurines with one leg
2. I can pay cash
1. I can eat only one Lays potato chip

Good Investigation

2008-04-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

- I'm not one of your parents
- I like to cook for me and other people
- I never pee in the living room nor the kitchen
- I can write a top ten list of reasons why I should be your roommate
- I always pay my rent on time
- I've got a bottle of champagne in my bag
- I'm working during the day and don't bother you during night (unless you ask me to do so)
- I love east Village
- I can probably fix your computer
- I love you even if Audrey got red hair

***
just wanted to add on my top ten list
- I love belgian beer
- I'll buy a wii in may
Here is my facebook as well
http://www.facebook.com/home.php
tchoOo
Good investigation
[name]

Ahoy Roommateys!!

2008-04-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

10. I'm a 23yr old female from Los Angeles.
9. I'm looking for a place to drop my anchor.
8. I keep an even keel financially and mentally.
7. I won't rock the boat though I am a musician (not a loud one)
6. I think you'll like the cut of my jib.
5. I love to cook and swab the deck.
4. I have no first mate (currently single)
3. I keep a clean ship
2. I don't swear like a sailer but this apt. sounds fucking great!
1. I hate all things nautical

p.s. I have no problems living with a crimson wino. (my mom happens to be one herself)

Sitcome

2008-04-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

Top Ten List: Why I should be the roommate:
10. Because I miss the "clean" streets of the E.V.
9. I bet the term "old school charm" has been redefined by you guys
8. I need cable to watch Tyra everyday. They don't play it at the laundromat.
7. I heard they sell tapeworms in the bodegas down in the EV
6. I wouldnt have to wear a wig in the train to go to Wigstock
5. Because those "piraguas" (shaved ice) on 1st and Houston are the best
4. Because the best comedy is found at Lucky Chengs
3. Because I do the best Heidi Klum and Tyra Banks impersonation
2. Because my boss thinks I should be institutionalized at Belleveu
1. Because if my life would be a sitcome I would be Seinfeld

I am better in person! Not everybody gets my sense of humor. Please feel free to contact me at
[redacted]

"Sheeeeit!"

2008-04-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

10. The voices in my head say that you will love me and we are meant for eachother.
9. You're into performing arts? I'm an aspiring Baptist minister! We could take turns giving eachother critiques!
8. All of the roommates I've ever had have been such horribly unfair people, especially those last jerks that threw me out. My luck has just got to change!
7. You say you need love? They say I love too much, and I've got several restraining orders to prove it.
6. I'm beacon of wisdom and maturity by changing tack here and not carrying on with an obligatory reference to smoking crack. After all, there's more to life than ironic referencing, I think...
5. I am so cool, I can straight up skip #4. And you be sayin "Damn!" And I say "Onh ha, tha's right." Then you says "Sheeeeit!"
3. I love to *cook, and have the *ingrained habit of *cleaning up as I *go. I'd *love to keep a *continuous pot of *soup or pasta salad type thing in the *fridge.
(If every entry must try for a laugh, please re-read with this key: * = muthafuckin
2. I work in a wine bar in the Hells Kitchen/ theatre area. (Helloo Audrey!) Lots of actors/performers come through and it is a great, cool, fun place. Do you love me yet?
1. I've heard terrible things about all the other people who've responded. Especially that guy you were seriously considering. That one girl is super bad news, too. I'm just sayin'.

Peppermint

2008-04-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Reason I Should Get that Room

10) Two months ago I had athlete's foot and successfully cured it
9) I can flare my nostrils like no other
8) I come from a big family (3 brothers and a sister) so I've been raised to be a respectful roommate.
7) I used to get in physical fights with my brothers all the time
6) Well, not all the time
5) I prefer the peppermint over all others
4) I took improv in college (is that worth anything?)
3) I grew up in Florida and went to school at University of Florida. If you know anyone from Florida you can ask me if I know them and I will tell you and it'll be nuts.
2) I swear that I invented the game "3 Flies." You may know it by its more common name "5000," but seriously, no one was playing that shit where I went to elementary school.
1) With me, you can choose a nickname of your choice and I will use it all the time. After a couple of months everyone will know you by it

Moses

2008-04-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

#10. .I come with a great taste of music and tons of tracks :)
#9. . .I'm 22 and have already been to almost every US State
#8. . .I work hard and play hard too
#7. . .I love the village, and finding an affordable room will be filling a spot on my personal top-10 list
#6. . .I sympathizes for your alcoholic fire-crotch roommate.
#5. . .I play guitar
#4. . .I travel around the world running video game tournaments
#3. . .I come with the latest consoles and games
#2. . .I read a lot, so I'd be a pretty quiet roommate
#1. . .I'm the next messianic figure, reincarnation of of moses.

Friends From Europe

2008-04-12T13:04:00.002-07:00

Hi. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm not a comedian. That being said, I have been known at times to be quite humorous... and am fairly certain I can come up with a top ten list for you. Here goes.

A) (Or 1, however you want to look at it. I prefer letters.) You've always wanted to know someone from [redacted] There is a certain sex appeal you have always craved from [them].

B) You are also a waiter. Well, comedian, but we all know that means you wait tables. Let's be real. Only difference between me and you is that you claim to have a hobby you hope will one day pay, whereas I just admit that I am wandering at the mo, and this is not just my 'day-job-to-pay-the-rent-till-my-one-man-show-takes-off.'

C) You appreciate someone with a fully loaded passport. AKA: Someone who has done some real traveling, and not just the occasional tour across the Mexican border (I've done that too, and most recently was in Mexico City and a road trip south of there...).

D) You've always wanted to go into a gay bar, but never had the nerve. Well, have no fear. [Name] is a regular at many of the city's finest establishments catering to NYC's gay population.

E) I'm running out of time... but if this doesn't suffice, I'm happy to continue entertaining you at a future date... (Have friends from Europe arriving today)

Hope your day is dandy... Forgot to add that although you may really like the little red hairs your roommate leaves behind, mine are black, and for the most part well manicured and therefore not a worry. And in case you'll miss the one who is leaving you, my best friend from, like, age ten is also a red-head. And we're together almost every weekend.

Fire-Crotch Friendly

2008-04-12T13:04:00.001-07:00

10) Anywhere I live immediately becomes a "crane free zone" by the city.
9) I'm Fire-Crotch friendly
8) My Emperors Club VIP paycheck is more than 40x the rent
7) Importing Jersey's trash is tax duductable (I'm from NJ).
6) I run on roomate campaign for "change"

ok...thats all I got, but at least I gave it shot.

You Know What They Say

2008-04-12T13:03:00.002-07:00

1. I have four different kinds of anti-persperant and I always share. You will never leave stinky with me as your roommate.
2. If, one day, you happen to run out of clean socks and underwear, don't worry; you can come and knock on my door. By the same token, I would NOT ask to borrow yours, so this is win-win for you.
3. I have Mall Maddness. If you do not remember, it is an amazing early 90s talking board game, all about shopping.
4. I work at [redacted]. There is always drama. It is always funny. I always bring stories home.
5. By virtue of this, I get a good amount of free products. I almost never want them.
6. I have a lot of athletic-wear! I play tennis and run when it's warm, and though I am not particularly skilled at either, I like to look the part.
7. I don't cook very much, so the apartment never smells! By the same token, I always have a good stock of Smart Start–%100 of your daily vitamins and minerals.
8. My friends tell me I'm so awkward, my daily encounters are hilarious.
9. I get New York magazine every week, every Monday. You, by association, would now have access to the crossword puzzle.
10. You know what they say about redhead's...
(I don't, but you likely will).

S&M

2008-04-12T13:03:00.001-07:00

10. I am really not that funny, so I won't be comedic competition for you and your roommate.

9. I am know at work as "Google Tony" when it comes to NYC, so if the computer services happen to go down I am very good for recommendations and addresses.

8. I work at night five days a week so I am not home when most traditional professionals are. No, I AM NOT a male prostitute.

7. I successfully manage a staff of 45 different personalities, not all of them my "Splits", so I am skilled at working with many personal characteristics.

6. I am completely drug free, however I do very much enjoy a natural high once in a while.

5. I am responsible to a "Fault" but I do admit that this IS NOT my only fault.

4. I have a VERY COOL Lego collection. Just kidding! See, I told you that I wasn't that funny.

3. I am a great cook and I make a mean Lasagna.

2. Even though Donald Trump is not concerned about me out doing him, I am financially solvent. Is it ok if I pay May's rent in September?

1. I keep my S&M lifestyle completely out of the Apartment. You did say that there is a dungeon in the building and its use included in the rent, right?

Completely

2008-04-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

Top 10
1 I'm young, fun and completely sane
2 I have a lovely singing voice
3 I'm not a home body
4 I have a keyboard (which you're welcome to play) and
have headphones if you don't want to hear it.
5 I'm a Jazz student and would love to live close to
school
6 I have a guarantor
7 I respect people's privacy
8 I'm clean/I clean up after myself
9 I don't smoke
10 I don't have any pets

I <3 Todd Barry

2008-04-12T13:01:00.002-07:00

#10- I listen to NPR, which inherently makes me smart and better than any of your other applicants. I am even better than those other jerks who claim to listen to NPR. Pretentious, fake liberal, trust funders. Some of us have to work for a living.
#9- I am seeking asylum from a neurotic, over-baring ex. Yup, moved here to get a career going and to give this reformed ex another chance. . . at least I have a career.
#8- I'm not passive aggressive!
#7- I never voted Bush. This means that I have acute psychic abilities.
#6- I'm clever and good-looking, and may each seek his own kind.
#5- If I had super powers I would use them for good, not evil. . . most of the time.
#4- I'm into Zombie Survivalism. Oh- I'll be ready, and you'll want to stick with me.
#3- My mom is super liberal actress, singer, director, professor. My dad is an extremely conservative farmer, bank board member. Haven't I suffered enough?
#2- I enjoy funny people. I have a crush on Todd Barry. Really. If I saw him, I would be star struck and blush.
And the #1 reason I should get to move in is:
I'm clean, quite, punctual with bill pay, and generally pretty laid back. I enjoy a good time, but don't take the party home.

Normal Guy

2008-04-12T13:01:00.001-07:00

1. English is not my mother tongue so I've got a funny accent
2. I've done engineering studies so there will be a cartesian brain in the appartment
3. I can teach the real French kiss to anyone interested (this is not something immoral, it's learning about other culture)
4. I can pay (and I'll still have money left to buy whisky for red-haired alcohol amateurs)
5. I'm willing to help Audrey for her revenge against improv man after the craigslist-stabbing-in-the-back-ad event

6. It's always good to have a parisian acquaintance
7. I should be able to make good French food if I feel supported
8. I don't have weird diseases, I don't have extreme opinions in politics, I'm not fussy, I'm not a psycho, I'm not intrusive, I don't have pathological addiction issues, I don't have death urges, I don't leave hair in the bathtub, I don't wake up screaming in the middle of the night, and I don't snore!
9. I'm polite, I'm educated, I like talking, I like bars, I like dancing, I like music, I like literature, I'm excited to live in New York, and I usually understand jokes!
10. I just can't make ten good jokes, which means that I'm quite a normal guy.

Asian

2008-04-12T12:58:00.004-07:00

10. Audrey and I's names start with the same letter. "Hey, that is neat!" (Orange County)

9. I never have a fungus growing on me because I'm always fresh and clean and don't make a mess.

8. I wrote [redacted] that's being performed at [redacted] this Saturday (reply to inquire further)

7. Remember the Friends episode where Ross and Joey are stuck getting down from a fire escape and Joey's pants slip off... I <3>

6. I have to move out of my dorm in May (currently [year] at [redacted]) and will be homeless there after!

5. I will give you free unethical counselling because I'm a psych major (creative writing and producing minors)!

4. I'm from Califonia, meaning I'm automatically laid back, easy going, and sound like a surfer.

3. I'm asian, thus genetically predisposed to high levels of responsibility.

2. I will literally die on the streets if I don't find an apartment starting May or June... muy triste.

1. I love Audrey because if she were to get the asian/irish glow from excessive drinking, her hair would be the same color as her face and it would look like she's bald, just with a horribly malformed head.

Entertaining

2008-04-12T12:58:00.003-07:00

10. i love dave. conan too. jay must die.
9. i could be described as insouciant AND i know how to spell it.
8. i correctly use "your"/"you're" and "their"/"they're"/"there"
7. i've been told i have a great laugh. and if you really get me going, tears stream down my face and my nostrils flare rapidly.
6. i own a pair of ginormous fuzzy ladybug slippers (yes, they have antenae) and sport them frequently in the house
5. i make a mean batch of popcorn- from kernels, on the stove- none of this microwave bullshit. and i share.
4. i dream of someday owning a bulldog named clarence. or mojo. or doofus. oh the possibilities!
3. i practice yoga, which makes me unlikely to kill you in your sleep...
2. ... but i do enjoy burgers, burritos, and eggo waffles more than granola. actually i don't like granola at all.
1. i smell good.

i withhold further information until i've passed your comedic requirement. (insert jeopardy theme here...) regardless, this has been an unexpectedly entertaining exercise and i wish you the best luck in your search

ADD

2008-04-12T12:58:00.001-07:00

Pick me because:

...Im not funny like you two.
...you need someone serious for balance.
...i need more humor in my life.
...im not messy like your current roomate.
...i would love to live with carrot head.
...im laid back and cool.
...i dont drink enough but need to start.
...you'll barely know im there.
...i have ADD so if you can keep my attention, you'll know your good.
...i wrote this list.

Gold

2008-04-12T12:57:00.001-07:00

10. I'm a poor ass college student who needs a place to live.
9. I love to cook, especially for people, but it's not always good.
8. I spent hours laboring over this list.
7. I need exercise.
6. I like to laugh.
5. I'm not a serial killer.
4. Instead of going to my neighbors' party, I'm writing this list.
3. I love gingers.
2. I love alcohol.
1. Everything I touch turns into gold.

Not Scabies

2008-04-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

Top ten reasons I should be your roomate

10. I'm bulemic. But I vomit quietly.
9. My farts smell like fresh cinnamon rolls
8. My doctor said it's not scabies!
7. My idea of meditation is doing the dishes
6. Sometimes in the mornings I can whistle through my nose (really!)
5. I was an alcoholic redhead in my previous life, not this one! (I'm an alcoholic brunette in this life)
4. I can read....kind of.
3. I've only been fired from 75% of my jobs
2. I use deodorant.
1. I begrudgingly filled out this top ten list for you